Twelve

Twelfth house hit by the solar eclipse this week, not to mention the intensive flares, and while mostly buffered in the momentum of renewal energies I am conscious it is confidence, that department’s most surface level (“extimate”) purview, where I will feel it most. Confidence in art, especially, deeper questions around hiding. Yesterday a friend said, unprompted, but as far as my predilection to hide, put more of you in your paintings, more also of your taste, and of course I ask what do you mean, I feel unsure of how to do so, and also wanting to do so, wanting to get better, grow up, get really good. Vedic astrologer Jesse says, until Sun years, until second half of Saturn return, you can try but you won’t really find success, outward mobility though by all means push through, work hard, etc. So much efforting. Wendy two years ago: too much efforting! Where’s the joy? In a seminar last week I described to someone, I forget who, the pound of flesh dynamic, that there is an aspect of this art that requires sacrifice, like Marlene this morning on the podcast talking about her dead partner’s Marsyas, so much processing in real time. At a talk last night droning on and zoning out I had to draw energy from future then double back, no more sinning against presence. But as my teacher says, I do want it all, I do want it to be magic all the time, to live in the frequency of a momentous, enriched now. How to get there, be there, on a Zoom with Bhanu Kapil of all people, I described this as horizon.